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Isaac K. Thomas B.A- Theology, MDIV

Email ikilaha@yahoo.co.uk

Article on Healing in Forgiveness, July 2013

            Aphiemi, the Greek word for “forgive” means to put something away, set it free, as well as to put one thing aside in order to move on to something else. Forgiveness is essentially a putting away of our anger toward another, putting it aside so that it no longer controls our lives, Kroeger P. 115.

            Forgiveness is not trying hard to forget what our offenders have done to us. This is a true story about a friend whose husband died mysteriously. She struggled through life to make ends meet. She says that she cried and mourned for many years because of the pain and devastation that was caused by her husband’s death. Her story was moving. She said that her sorrows and anguish lived on and on. One day in early 90’s when her mourning had faded away, she was at home attending to her domestic chores when a son of her neighbor came in a hurry asking for her. She talked to him for some time then he left. She had just received a shock of the year. "What was it? I asked her. Her mood had changed and I could read anxiety on her face. Reluctantly, she looked at me and said, “the father of the boy (mentioned above) wanted forgiveness from me because he says that it was him who conspired with another person to murder my husband.

           The neighbor was on a sick bed in a certain hospital and he wanted me to forgive him”, she said. “He was demanding forgiveness; he said that his healing and freedom was dependent on my forgiveness”. A few days later the boy was sent for the second time with the same report but my friend said to him that she needed time to process it. When I asked her why she could not just forgive and forget, she told me that she was remembering what she went through when her husband died. Unfortunately, it did not take long and the man died. After a time of reflection she went over it and now she is healed and can joke about her pain.

            There are a few things to know about forgiveness, first, like my family friend who felt that she was being forced to forgive, if forgiveness is not out of willingness then the battle is not yet over. Secondly, forgiveness is not assuming or covering the evils that were done against us. Thirdly, forgiveness is not the same us reconciliation. I will go ahead and write on these issues and more. I will also talk about what forgiveness is not and what it is in order to minimize more harm.

            Forgiveness is not repression, “trying to hide what goes through deep in our hearts “Kroeger P. 116 says that forgiveness is not condoning or pardoning harmful behavior, which is sin, she also says that, “Forgiveness is not healing the wound lightly saying, “peace, peace” when there is no peace. The neighbor above wanted forgiveness so that he can be free to relate with others as a neighbor. This to me is reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not one and the same thing. Kendall P.26 says that

An injured person can forgive an offender without reconciliation. It is wonderful in deed if the relationship can be restored, but this must not be pressed in most cases. Some things can never be the same again. It takes two to reconcile, and there must be a total willingness on both parts.

Forgiveness is not playing down the wrongs of the offender, the victim has to be given time to verbalize and narrate their experience. Kroeger says that “if reconciliation is to occur, the ground work should be laid carefully. If there is too hasty a reunion, the abuser may conclude that the offence was not actually a serious one because the consequences are so light” P. 117. My friend as a Christian wanted to have sometime process and pray so that she can forgive her “enemies”. She said that it was not easy to forgive; it only needed God’s grace. She depended on God’s grace for ability to forgive. The neighbor wanted forgiveness at his opportune time and wanted it badly for his own good. He had been quiet for years until forgiveness deemed immanent. Ryan and friends say that,

It is dangerous to make amends expecting that we will get something in return. For example, if we go into this exercise asking for or demanding forgiveness, we turn our effort into something that others are supposed to do for us, rather than our confessing our wrong doing to them. To insist that they forgive us may exacerbate those wounds.

 My friend’s wounds were inflamed because of our neighbor’s insistence to forgive. In our practical world forgiveness has to come from our free will and not because we are forced to do it.

            Forgiveness is not ratification or commendation of evil done against us. It is agreeing to the wrongs done against us. God forgives us but he does not expect us to continue in sin. He rebukes sin. Kendall P.23 says, “Just as God forgives people without approving of their sin, we also must learn that forgiving people does not imply an endorsement of their evil deeds. We can forgive what we do not approve of because that is the way God has dealt with each one of us”. Does forgiveness mean that we have lost the battle and that we are weak? Forgiveness to me is naming the evil done on us and willingly let its claws off our hearts. I have learnt that saying sorry is not the same thing as forgiveness.

           Does forgiveness then imply burying our head in the sand and blinding our eyes to our abusers? Forgiveness can mean separation from the source of harm or those who hurt us. This is essentially to allow ourselves to heal from our brokenness. Kroeger notes that “forgiveness is not an expectation of any degree of future relationship with the person who caused the harm” P. 116.

            Separation while working on forgiveness can play an integral function because it weakens the control of the abuser on the victim. Separation after forgiveness can help avoid the recurrence of the evil deeds or abuse done on us. If there is a reunion then as Kroeger puts it, the victim needs to pray and think through many aspects of reunion; both parties must carefully consider how to prevent a recurrence of the abuse and victimization.

Healing in forgiveness can also come through remembering everything in detail. Forgetting completely the harm done against us can be hard. Wounds can leave scars that are difficult to forget. It is said that “we forgive and forget”, I do not think it is realistic. When abusers hurt us, we are to forgive them; we do it out of choice knowing clearly what happened that is why we can count to seventy times seven.

            Acknowledging the harm done against us is the right way to forgiveness. Playing it down or simply playing it cool when we are hurt is not the way to go while on a journey to recovery. Forgiveness is for the healing of the victim and the abuser. If we are hurt and our hearts and emotions wounded then the right path to healing is accepting ourselves and saying yes! It happened but we choose to forgive in order to release ourselves from the chains of resentment and bitterness. I observe that when forgiving, we do not just feel sorry for those abusers and say to them “Oh it was not that bad, I have gone over it, take it easy…..” no! We define the terms clearly, “you did this act that hurt me and I was wounded, it is not acceptable and you should take responsibility….nevertheless I forgive you” and then we do not keep the records of wrongs in our hearts.

            When people are victimized they need help to recover. It is therefore not good to pretend that nothing had taken place. Acting as if we are not hurt is like saying it was not his mistake.. when Christ was bruised and his body broken, he did not take it lightly and tell the father , “just forget it maybe they were deceived”…He spoke clearly when feeling the pain and told the father to forgive them. Acting when we are hurt will not only suppress the problem but reignite the flames on our wounds. I have seen people who pretend that they are hurt because their spouses were drunk, so they say he was not in his right mind…no wonder they keep stepping out of their mind: forgiveness is not pretending that no harm was done. Forgiveness is also not blaming ourselves; I appreciate What Mason says, “Unfortunately those who are loyal to the rules of blame miss the personal relationship development” P. 96. Blaming ourselves can slow down the healing process. When we forgive we are not saying that we take the blame on ourselves.

            Who benefits from forgiveness? I have heard of people who are hurt and actually they deserve to defend themselves and do what they want when their abusers are caught and punished, but cursing and reprimanding will contribute less to our healing. I heard of a man who condemned the abuser and called him names, “go to hell and let the evils of hell be your fellowship for eternity, I will never forgive you, God hates you with perfect hatred may you be eaten alive”. When we forgive we become the beneficiaries. God loves all of us; we pray that even as we forgive, the blessings of forgiveness shall be on and also upon our abusers. As much as we need help and care our abusers need it too. God can heal even our abusers, it is his perfect will that all of us are healed and recovered wholly.

            True forgiveness carries with it grace and mercy. Christ’s attitude to our sins is that of grace, he does not condemn us but forgives John 8:11 “Neither do I condemn you, go your way and from now on do not sin again” Even when we forgive we do not expect the same evils repeated, we rarely would love to see our graciousness taken for granted and returned with evil.

            Forgiveness is tramping on the temptations of self righteousness. If our abusers are willing to change and show signs of recovery we let go what can be detrimental to another person. Forgiveness can be difficult; we have to choose to be merciful against the truth, the facts, the wounds and the scars that have caused us pain.  I come from Kenya and there is a Swahili proverb that is related to forgiveness that says, “meza wembe” Directly translated as “swallow a razor blade” even if all facts and statistics show that we were hurt, we can go against the ratings and willingly choose to forgive those who hurt our emotions. So forgiveness is being aware of what was done to us but still forgive.

            Resentment and forgiveness held me down for many years. I was so bitter and unwilling to accept any idea of forgiveness in many cases. Letting go of resentment to me was like “a sold out ticket endeavor”, thank God for Jesus and the grace he accorded me to learn on how to forgive, I had to allow the Holy Spirit take charge and only then did I begin to experience a joy that I had not known before. There was no room for un-forgiveness and feelings of bitterness.

The peace of God seized my heart, emotions and mind. After sometime my countenance was brightened and ever since I have had several people introduce me as “the ever smiling Isaac”. Forgiveness does not carry magic powers but its fruits are sweet. God will always bless a forgiving heart. The Holy Spirit is grieved when we hold to bitterness and resentment. It is time to let go.

            Kroeger P. 116 says that forgiveness is God’s gift for the purpose of healing to those who have been harmed. She also says that it is possible in the context of justice-making and the healing presence of the Holy Spirit. I concur with Kroeger because God loves us to the extent that he gives us forgiveness that brings healing. Juanita Ryan in her article on forgiveness says:

“I remember clearly the day I experienced God speaking to me about this, “I want to heal you” I sensed God saying, “I want to take away all the shame and despair and fear that you carry. This is the gift of healing-a gift that makes forgiveness possible, if it is because I can undo all the shame and fear that you can forgive the wrongs which were done to you”.

The greatest victory in forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. We do not just receive forgiveness from God, but we also forgive ourselves. I believe that it displeases God when we are not able to forgive ourselves. God is like a father to us, He wants us to experience his joy and peace that comes from our personal forgiveness. Not to forgive ourselves is like holding resentment against ourselves. The Holy Spirit is always willing to make forgiveness possible. Our common enemy who is the Devil will fight our forgiveness. He does not want us to walk in the will of God for our lives. It pleases the devil when we are beaten and languishing in pain, resentment and unforgiveness. As Christians, we walk in the will of God and we are called to serve and obey God and not the Devil. The Devil is always working to outwit us. In 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 "Any one whom you forgive, I also forgive, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake, and we do this so that we may not be outwitted by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his designs"

           The devil will always play dirty tricks to finish us. If we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts we get a permit to carry on with his schemes. He rejoices in our hurt and pain; let us not give him a foot hold. The devil will always fight our healing. If forgiveness is Godly and unforgiveness is near the Devil, then I choose to fear God and obey him in my forgiveness.

            Forgiveness also brings freedom. Just as I said above that unforgiveness had bound me in resentment until I let it go through forgiveness. Forgiveness frees us from the cages of bitterness. I remember many times through prayer and fasting and overnight prayers I pleaded with God to have the burden of bitterness and resentment rolled away from my shoulders but I did not find my freedom. What is construed as the answer to resentment by many people is a false way to freedom. I was told to use the scripture and name my problem by name but that formulae could not help. I am not against prayer and the use of scriptures in our hard times; what I am saying is that it is until I learnt of the power of forgiveness that my freedom was manifested.

Juanita Ryan in her article, “finding the freedom in forgiveness says, what is forgiveness? What is the freedom it brings? Forgiveness is return to love. And the freedom forgiveness brings is the freedom both to know ourselves as loved and the freedom to express the love God has placed in us for Himself and others”.

Forgiveness brings healing, thus we are able to perform our ministries and callings. After relinquishing bitterness and resentment, I have served better in the ministry. There will not be too much of struggle in the way we serve or even prepare for ministry. We love the people of God and we will be there for them, Philippians 2:4 “Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others”. The love for others begins to grow in us when we forgive..

Un-forgiveness makes one look unappealing and always distraught. They look depressed and ugly. But when we forgive our hearts will rejoice and our faces will be radiant with the joy of the Lord. Un-forgiveness will always give us a pseudo image.

Finally, understanding of forgiveness has impacted me differently. I have discovered that any sort of abuse is intolerable. This topic can work very well for people who have been abused because of the impact it has to their lives. It is also good for people who have not been abused to know it for the reason that they will one day need it if not use it for helping those who are victimized. We live in a society that all sort of bad things happen around us. That makes it easy for us, our family members, friends and neighbors to go through an experience of needing to forgive. Forgiveness did good to my hurting soul. I am healed.

Sources

Kendall R.T. How to forgive ourselves totally, Begin again by breaking freedom past mistakes,     (Florida, Charisma house, 2007).

Kendall, R.T. Total forgiveness, when Everything in you wants to hold A grudge, Point a finger    and remember the pain- God wants you to lay it all aside ( Florida, charisma house, 2007).

Kroeger Catherine Clark and Nancy Nason-Clark. No Place for Abuse, Biblical and practical       Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, (Illinois, intervarsity press, 2001).

Vonderen Van Jeff, Dale and Juanita Ryan. Soul Repair; Rebuilding Your Spiritual Life,    (Illinois, IVP Books, 2008, 2008).

Fossum A. Merle and Marilyn J. Mason. Facing Shame; Families in Recovery, (New York, W.W Norton and Company, 1986).